Im sorry but we are over for good. We have been on and off for a few years now and I know you will come back again. But this time, you messed up. So badly, it will never be the same.
I know we ended on a bad note. And it feels like are goodbyes have gone unsaid. But I don’t feel like you deserve a goodbye, let alone another word from me.
The heartbreak I felt with you was terrible. The pain you put me through was terrible. And I am not sorry, but I am not willing to do that again. The thing between us is to damaged. Its damage that you caused.
I deserve someone who cherishes me, who is there for me, and who truly loves me. I deserve someone I can trust and who treats me the way I treat them.
And I am willing to wait. I am willing and I am excited to spend time alone. I don’t need a man. I sure as hell dont need you. I was so happy before you. I was so different. I am excited to get back to that place.
I honestly hope you get the help you need. It saddens me that it will probably never happen.
I feel bad for your future girlfriend. I know your going to be so sweet and charming at first. I know your going to profess your love for her. And I know your going to start to change. And abuse her. And I dont think anyone deserves that.
But I know God has a plan. For me, for you, and our futures. Your not in my future and for that I am grateful. I don’t want to end up dead due to domestic violence.
Knowing that God has a plan relaxes me a little. Knowing that I am not in control and he is, makes me feel better. I know he is going to take from me and give to me what is best at the perfect timing.
Sometimes I do miss us. Sometimes I do miss the good times that were far and few between.
But then I realised, I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of an “us.” I was so blind and so lost in denial about how bad it really was.
And the “good times” were never about/for me. They were for you. You wanted to go out to this place. It was never what I wanted.
And I sit here and think if I was with you right now, I would wish to be home. Your not fun to be around, your not positive, your not happy. You put on a good front, but once the mask comes off, you are pathetic.
Who calls their significant other every harmful word they can think of? Who intentionally says things to hurt their significant other? What’s wrong with you? Who purposely tries to make the one “they love” feel like shit? Well it’s not my problem anymore. I can finally stop asking myself that.
When I was sick, you would leave.
When I was hurt, you would compare your pain to mine.
When I quit my job for school, you told me I was stupid.
When I was visiting family, you would call me constantly telling me to come home.
When all I wanted was for you to cuddle me, you refused.
When I acted like you, you thought I was a horrible person.
You degraded me. You degraded me until I believed you. You degraded me until there was nothing left to degrade. Then you threw me away like I was nothing. You had me on a leash and kept pulling me in and pushing me away. You drove me to my breaking point and I allowed it. But now, I am cutting that leash. Enough is enough.
I honestly can’t think of one good thing about you and neither can my family.
I remember being 12 years old watching The Tyra Banks Show. This show was about girls in abusive relationships (what happened to them, how they got out, where they are now). I thought those girls were dumb- why would they be with someone like that?
Now I understand. And I couldn’t believe it. That I was that girl.
I remeber when the cops came. They told me it will only get worse and to run. But I didnt. And it did get worse. And it would have kept getting worse. I had a choice- you or my life. I chose my life.
The other night I was watching Law and Order. This one was about a 19 year old girl being abused by her boyfriend. It stood out to me because he broke two of her ribs and dragged her down the stairs- two things you did to me. Guess what? She didn’t leave. She ended up dead before the age of 20. Our stories were so similar, it kind of freaked me out. As if it was a sign from God telling me, “You are going to be ok, you got out.”
And then it dawned on me (finally, right?). It was really that bad. I mean, ya I knew it was bad, but that show made it sink in.
But, I forgive you. I won’t forget, but I forgive you. You taught me a very strong lesson: Dont let people treat you badly. It’s ok to walk away. And I know you have something going on inside. I know everything you have ever told me is how you feel about yourself. And I forgive you because I am not going to let a person like you hold me back in my life. Strength is when you can forgive someone who isn’t sorry.
This is the last goodbye. Love doesn’t conquer all things. It won’t conquer your abuse, alcoholism, narcissism, insecurities, and whatever else you got going on.