The Last Goodbye

Im sorry but we are over for good. We have been on and off for a few years now and I know you will come back again. But this time, you messed up. So badly, it will never be the same.

I know we ended on a bad note. And it feels like are goodbyes have gone unsaid. But I don’t feel like you deserve a goodbye, let alone another word from me.

The heartbreak I felt with you was terrible. The pain you put me through was terrible. And I am not sorry, but I am not willing to do that again. The thing between us is to damaged. Its damage that you caused.

I deserve someone who cherishes me, who is there for me, and who truly loves me. I deserve someone I can trust and who treats me the way I treat them.

And I am willing to wait. I am willing and I am excited to spend time alone. I don’t need a man. I sure as hell dont need you. I was so happy before you. I was so different. I am excited to get back to that place. 

I honestly hope you get the help you need. It saddens me that it will probably never happen. 

I feel bad for your future girlfriend. I know your going to be so sweet and charming at first. I know your going to profess your love for her. And I know your going to start to change. And abuse her. And I dont think anyone deserves that. 

But I know God has a plan. For me, for you, and our futures. Your not in my future and for that I am grateful. I don’t want to end up dead due to domestic violence.

Knowing that God has a plan relaxes me a little. Knowing that I am not in control and he is, makes me feel better. I know he is going to take from me and give to me what is best at the perfect timing.

Sometimes I do miss us. Sometimes I do miss the good times that were far and few between. 

But then I realised, I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of an “us.” I was so blind and so lost in denial about how bad it really was. 

And the “good times” were never about/for me. They were for you. You wanted to go out to this place. It was never what I wanted. 

And I sit here and think if I was with you right now, I would wish to be home. Your not fun to be around, your not positive, your not happy. You put on a good front, but once the mask comes off, you are pathetic.

Who calls their significant other every harmful word they can think of? Who intentionally says things to hurt their significant other? What’s wrong with you? Who purposely tries to make the one “they love” feel like shit? Well it’s not my problem anymore. I can finally stop asking myself that.

When I was sick, you would leave. 

When I was hurt, you would compare your pain to mine.

When I quit my job for school, you told me I was stupid.

When I was visiting family, you would call me constantly telling me to come home.

When all I wanted was for you to cuddle me, you refused.

When I acted like you, you thought I was a horrible person.

You degraded me. You degraded me until I believed you. You degraded me until there was nothing left to degrade. Then you threw me away like I was nothing. You had me on a leash and kept pulling me in and pushing me away. You drove me to my breaking point and I allowed it. But now, I am cutting that leash. Enough is enough. 

I honestly can’t think of one good thing about you and neither can my family. 

I remember being 12 years old watching The Tyra Banks Show. This show was about girls in abusive relationships (what happened to them, how they got out, where they are now). I thought those girls were dumb- why would they be with someone like that? 

Now I understand. And I couldn’t believe it. That I was that girl. 

I remeber when the cops came. They told me it will only get worse and to run. But I didnt. And it did get worse. And it would have kept getting worse. I had a choice- you or my life. I chose my life.

The other night I was watching Law and Order. This one was about a 19 year old girl being abused by her boyfriend. It stood out to me because he broke two of her ribs and dragged her down the stairs- two things you did to me. Guess what? She didn’t leave. She ended up dead before the age of 20. Our stories were so similar, it kind of freaked me out. As if it was a sign from God telling me, “You are going to be ok, you got out.”

And then it dawned on me (finally, right?). It was really that bad. I mean, ya I knew it was bad, but that show made it sink in. 

But, I forgive you. I won’t forget, but I forgive you. You taught me a very strong lesson: Dont let people treat you badly. It’s ok to walk away. And I know you have something going on inside. I know everything you have ever told me is how you feel about yourself. And I forgive you because I am not going to let a person like you hold me back in my life. Strength is when you can forgive someone who isn’t sorry. 

This is the last goodbye. Love doesn’t conquer all things. It won’t conquer your abuse, alcoholism, narcissism, insecurities, and whatever else you got going on.

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22 thoughts on “The Last Goodbye

  1. Oluwakemi Toluwalase says:

    JuliaKaylin I nominated you for The Liebster Award 2017 (it’s in my blog) because of your transparency and your hope to inspire others through your posts. You deserve happiness. Thanks for sharing!

  2. littlecometblog says:

    I’m so proud of you. Even though i have no idea who you are. But, I am so fucking proud of you. This will the best decision of your life and trust me you’ll move so ahead in your life. Do not ever fall back. Let go of such so called relationship. Move ahead in your life. You deserve more than happiness. God bless you!

  3. shethoughts&sheknows says:

    Have been in your position exactly (minus the broken bones, but could have very well happened had I stayed). This blog took the words right from my mouth! You are strong. One of my favorite quotes “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt . Best of luck in your progression in becoming stronger as a person! 🙂

  4. Samantha says:

    “When I acted like you, you thought I was a horrible person.” – It’s always like that, isn’t it?

    I am very happy for you you got out in time! You, like everyone else, deserve happiness and someone who loves and appreciates you and I am convinced one day you will. This post was really heartfelt and honest and I can’t help but feel like I want to hug you and tell you life will be better. But you don’t need that from me: I think you already know that 🙂

  5. ladycee says:

    Congratulations on having the strength and self belief to walk away. Hats off to you on being able to forgive even though that person is not sorry for the way he treated you. May you continue on your path of healing and restoration.

  6. zharps says:

    it was really nice of you to share and put yourself out there. support is so important and im happy that you have family to support you as you are healing from his abuse. you are much stronger than he is much much stronger.

  7. mamahorror213 says:

    amen sister. i could have written that about my ex. he wasnt physically abusive until the end, and thats becuse i told him i was leaving, but everythhing else could have been my exact relationship. im osrry you had to go throuogh that. im ecstatic you walked away, in one peice. hugs girl.

  8. Cristal Clear says:

    Reminds me of my last relationship. He didn’t put his hands on me but he’s everything you described. The emotional and mental abuse is horrible. It’s been over a year that we haven’t been together and I’m still working on getting back to how I was before him. It’s a process. I don’t even want to date until I’m mentally and emotionally stable . Spending time alone is important .good luck to you . It will get better . You deserve a great man, he’s out there. Wish you the best ❤❤

  9. Sangbad says:

    It’s a very strong poem you’ve written. Pouring out your heart to say the words you don’t want to say but want to say is not an easy task. Hats off to you. The strongest lines are -But, I forgive you. I won’t forget, but I forgive you….Strength is when you can forgive someone who isn’t sorry.

  10. strictmotivation4u says:

    without knowing, let alone wanting to, the bad guy gave you a guide, a red flag list of what to look at in every relationship. if a future partner strikes one of those chords – not once, but repeatedly, pack your bags and walk, fast. no looking back, no second chances. be upfront from the get go what doesnt go and if those boundaries are crossed, you go away. it will not make life more easy, or finding a partner, but it will make life more worthy and more happy down the road. #StrictMotivation

  11. novelistbaba says:

    forgiving is good……not forgetting is even better…….
    and of course we must have faith in god’s plan……but sometimes we must take control….because god only helps those who helps themselves…..
    seems like good riddance…..more power to you……. 🙂 🙂

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